Allie sits on the couch, arms crossed, her strawberry-blonde hair framing a scowling pout. She glares at her parents, who are seated at the kitchen table, their faces reflecting both patience and mild exasperation. The “Cute Little 11 Year Old Girl As A Second Language” workbook sparkles under the overhead lamp.
"Allie, honey, this isn’t a real language. We’re just trying to help you… connect with people!"
"Whatever. It’s stupid anyway. Who says ‘I love you’ with a kiss when they’re, like, teenage?"
Dad chuckles, then his tone turns serious, the glint in his glasses reflecting the kitchen light.
"Believe it or not, you’re gonna wanna know how to say ‘I love you’ in every language. Even the ones with kisses."
"Ugh! You two are so 1997! I’m 2000! I don’t need… girly stuff!" She kicks the table, sending the worksheet flying with a dramatic flourish.
Great-Aunt Charlotte, seventy and full of old-school wisdom, surveys the scene with a knowing smile. She winks at the parents, her cardigan neatly buttoned and hair swept into a tidy bun.
"You’ve tried in vain to fight it before… why continue? Let’s make it clear: She’ll have to accept being the most loved kid in the world… no matter how much she fights it."
"You’ve got an idea, don’t you?" Mom raises an eyebrow, curiosity piqued.
"For each ‘whatever’ that leaves those lips, she gets a kiss. From any of us and other caring adults. Boom. Love’s ultimatum."
Allie, smugly sipping her chocolate milk, looks up to see her parents and Great-Aunt Charlotte leaning in together, conspiratorial grins on their faces.
Allie finds herself surrounded by adults, each time she utters “whatever” with an exaggerated eye-roll. At school, her teacher swoops in for a cheek kiss; at church, the pastor offers a gentle peck; at a picnic, her grandma leaves lipstick smudges. Her expressions shift from mortified to defiant, her cheeks increasingly colorful.
"…It’s not fair! I just said ‘whatever’ once at Aunt Linda’s wedding! Why does everyone get to… ahh!" Uncle Jim grins and delivers another kiss, leaving Allie even more flustered.
Allie stands before her parents and Great-Aunt Charlotte, desperation in her voice.
"Okay, what lesson are you trying to teach me?! Is this some… code for ‘you’re grounded’?!"
"Just this, munchkin." Dad smirks, delivering a gentle kiss to her forehead.
"We love you…" Mom adds softly, kissing her cheek.
"…And every one of your ‘whatever’s’!" Charlotte booms, planting another kiss. Allie groans, her resolve wavering.
Allie grumbles, "I’m gonna be 12 next year! I can’t be 12 if I’m still getting kissed like a 6-year-old!" Her parents exchange knowing glances, their smiles wide as the house grows quiet.
Allie, hiding behind the couch, overhears Dad say, “…and I don’t care what he says, it’s just whatever.” She leaps up, energy renewed.
"DAD! You said ‘whatever’!"
"Allie, honey, it’s not—!"
"You’ll just have to accept that I love you… and every one of your ‘whatever’s’!" She plants a loud kiss on his cheek, skipping out as the guys erupt in laughter. Dad stares after her, then smirks, his heart full.
