The Homeowner sat hunched over, eyes fixed on the Ring Doorbell feed, thumbing through a crumpled piece of paper. "Doctor, there was a time when I watched Netflix or TikTok. But then, I bought a Ring doorbell. Now, I watch that. The ‘Ring’ Doorbell! I never knew what an exciting life my front door had."

The Homeowner scribbles a note. "23:46 hours, a little hedgehog trips, the Ring recording him. 00:21 hours, a pair of bats dance in front of the lens, twirling for hours. 02:03 hours, a cat slinks through, tail high. 02:13 hours, a taxi pulls up, then reverses away. 03:11 hours, Ring out-foxed a fox, caught it in 4K. I see more wildlife than on any nature show."

"06:05 hours, my neighbor walks his dog—leaves a mess and doesn’t pick it up. 08:56 hours, the post lady slips a letter through, and I swear she looked into the Ring and smiled. Feels like more company than I’ve had in years."

"09:03 hours, I leave for work. Back of my head—hair thinning? 10:15 hours, my first speaking role: Evri delivery. 11:01, Yodel turns up—late night eBay purchase. 12:45, my son’s friend enters, singing. 13:12, a canvasser tries selling me things through the Ring. I tell them I’m not home, but they keep pitching anyway."

"14:05 hours, Deliveroo—my son’s awake at last. So much food, I need to talk about expenses. 15:16, a mother shouts at her kid as he sets off the Ring. Life outside my door is a menagerie—never dull."

"17:28 hours, I return home—oh gosh, my hair! 18:43, my girlfriend turns up. I leave her waiting, fiddling with my hair before I open the door. 19:08, Deliveroo again, this time for me. 20:23, my friend brings my weed. We talk for 24 minutes on the doorstep—every word recorded, because my girlfriend is upstairs."

"21:17, my son’s friend leaves. 22:34, my girlfriend leaves, I give her a kiss. The hedgehog returns—hello Mr. Hedgehog, nice to see you again, my prickly friend. 23:41, the neighbor’s cat arrives, oblivious to the camera as she grooms herself. At 23:47, the battery runs low. I didn’t watch Netflix for a week—I watched the Ring, documenting every oddity and unpredictable event."

"What do you think, Doctor? Is this normal? Do others watch their Ring doorbell like I do?" The Therapist, a calm presence with glasses perched on the tip of his nose, checks his own phone. "Hold that thought—I have a delivery on my Ring Doorbell!"

"Who needs Netflix when you have a Ring Doorbell?"